Happy BIrthday R! Thinking of you today!

Today is R's 8th birthday.  I doubt her adoption to the other family has been finalized and completed as I don't think things may have moved that quickly, but hopefully it is well underway.  My hope and wish beyond a swift process, is that R has a good birthday day surrounded by the caring staff and her friends.  I also hope that it is the last birthday she'll spend without family around.  I know she is in a good place right now, I felt so welcomed at her orphanage that it was touching.  The girls are very happy and well cared for.  Happy Birthday dear R, oh how I wish I could have thrown you a party and made you a special cake.

As I saw twice in your country, after the singing of  "Happy Birthday", they sang "May the good Lord bless you!"  Dearest R, I hope the good Lord blesses you, wraps his arms around you and puts you in the loving of your new family a.s.a.p.

Love
Miss

Back to School!

Well, I never got to make a second trip to my country this summer.  I had hoped to be able to go when I didn't have to take unpaid leave and was hopeful some little girls would become available.  Two other families that lost their first application have made second trips and found children.  Ok, one couple took siblings which I can't take but the other couple found a six year old girl.  As I've mentioned before there doesn't seem to be a clearly defined waiting list, but if the one couple found a six year old girl and I went down after them in May, one can only hope that the next little girl that becomes available, I'm told about.  Unfortunately, it isn't quite that easy or simple and things don't work that way! 

I was sent a pictue of a little girl in late July, early August but there was very scant information on her.  I was surprised by this given another client and the agent visitied the home.  I can't say much in this forum but I felt the situation akin to  "international child apprehension!"   Never mind social services apprehending a child, now there would have been some "white" stranger coming in and taking the child!   The girl could have been placed in an orphanage in the interim but it still didn't sit right with me.   The parents had agreed to give the child up, but it just felt so wrong to me that I had to trust my gut.  I posted a bit about this on my other blog and want to thank all of you who left comments or sent emails.  I am truly grateful for my new online friends and can't thank you enough for your support.  One email was particularly touching, very, very open and insightful.  It cemented for me the decision I had basically already made.  I waited to talk to the other agency client who had met this girl before giving my final answer, and when he had very little recall of the visit decided to let it go.  I then sent the eamil saying, "Thank you but no thank you."  The reply back was that I would now have a long wait.

I think I have realized what my problem is.  I am thinking too much and maybe instead of looking and then leaping, I just need to leap!   This is a huge shift for me and one I don't think I can make, especially in regards to something as life alterating as adoption.

I am back to school on Tuesday.  Here in British Columbia we start after the Labour Day weekend.  This school year will have to better than last as we were in job action for the entire year!I am hoping my students will be a distraction from the adoption process as it has been a very long August!  Sitting waiting without knowing is incredibly difficult.  At least if I knew I had a number and was on a list, I could wait with patience and certainty that eventually a match would be made.  I made the "bed" I am in, knowing how my country worked but not doubting that I wouldn't have found a match..  I had such an incredible sense of peace and calm as we left Toronto yet I am now wondering what that was about and where it came from.  I travelled in May, confident of finding a match - everyboody else had, so why shouldn't I.  Now I have to find a way to get comfortable in this "bed" I've made for myself.

Have a good long weekend and I hope you have all had a good summer.  I hope those of with children have a great school year!

What to do?

I have to say I am honestly ready to give up.  I really respect people that have a lot of faith as I don't really feel like anybody is on my side!  I still have one avenue to investigate and have been kind of derailed by a three week work committment that pretty much made phone contact with Eastern Canada during office hours impossible.   I am at my parents' place this week and home next week so I will look at the other country and talk to F.  

I knew my country didn't have a matching system and that a trip was required to visit the orphanages.  You've all patiently followed along on that trip and hoped and prayed for the best.  It turns out that  I am not the only family or applicant to have lost a child in the application process and I am now trying to decide whether to make a second, quick trip before school begins.  I would only go if I knew for sure there was a one or more little girls available and would have to go alone.  YIKES!  I would try and make it an "in and out" trip, visit the child, put in the application, get the medical for me and come out.  I certainly wouldn't spend days visiting places like I did before.  But as there seems to be so few children available I am not holding my breath. 

It cost me more to mail both packages than you could have imagined.  Air mail was 2-3 weeks, surface mail 4-6 weeks.  Please tell me how it takes 3 weeks to send something by plane to a nation's capital!  We aren't talking about 'deepest, darkest Peru" (gotta know about that - Paddington Bear).

So for now my mind is being taken off things by the Olympics.  Oh, by the way the TV did not mention my potential future child's country, the one I visitied, even though the country has three athletes in London.  I feel this is a slap in the face to all the country's Canadians in and around Toronto.   I did email the channel providing the commentary but haven't heard a thing.  I so hope one of these athletes medals and then there could be an outcry, albeit a small one.  I love how it was reported that somebody in New Zealand said the medal count should be reported, by population.  Apparently that would put Grenada at the top!   I have also heard it said the medal count should be done by GDP, with the European countries part of the EU, put together!  Not going to happen I know, but it would be nice if once in a while the TV reported the medals in a different way to show us all a different ranking and perspective on things.  Still on an Olympic note, I have to say I am so proud of Bolt and Blake. Go Jamaica go for the men's 200 m final!   It is so refreshing to see another country, especially a small one, win gold!

Putting Closure On Things

To put closure on the situation with 'R' I am sending a package of goodies to the orphanage to be shared by S-L.  I bought three very cute sunhats at the ferry terminal on my way to Victoria for the Canada Day weekend.

Can you guess which one I have in mind for "R"?  Then I bought three stuffies on the ferry.

I couldn't resist them!  Again, can you guess which one I though "R" might like?

Then one day in the first week of July after spending most of the day cleaning my classroom, I went into Gap Kids and found some tank tops on sale.  I thought I'd add those to the package.

Next I went to Shoppers Drug Mart to buy a padded envelope.  I thought I'd look to see what they had as I was thinking that the girls really need something to do.  They loved the sketch pads I picked up for 30 cents each in the local book store.  No such luck here, but these Crayola colouring and sticker books looked cool and why not munch on some flavoured jellybeans while your crafting!

 At the Gap, I also couldn't resist their jewellry and figured my girl needed a braclet!  Something to make her feel special.

I am going to buy a packet of dog treats for Spot, the orphanage dog and a necklace for S-L then send the package.  I am not sure how much it will cost me but it is worth it.  Oh, I am also making a little photo album for "R".  I figured she can take this with her when she goes to her new home and will have pictures of the orphanage, her friends and some of herself.  I have just gone through all my photos at R's place and have to narrow them down to 24.

I am going to ask SL to offer "R" the hat and stuffed toy I thought she'd like first but if  "R" would rather have a different hat and stuffy then she can.  I am curious as to whether my guess is what "R" would pick. The other hats and stuffed toys can then be given out to the other girls.  I'd like "R" to get one of the tanktops and one of the colouring/sticker books.

Here is my choice for "R".  I hve an Eddie Bauer dog like this, bigger, but just as cute!



I am also putting a little photo album together for J&L at the home for young mums.  At least J will have some baby pictures of L if she is able to keep the album and it doesn't get lost. 

My First and Only Heart Letter to 'R'

I have borrowed this idea from the blog, "Are We There Yet, Len?".   Lisa writes 'love' and 'heart' letters to her daughters K and  L.  Thank you for sharing these wonderful letters with all of us Lisa.  They are such a wonderful way to record your daughters' growth, accomplishments and personality and when you bind them and have them printed each year with blog2print, they will be something your girls will treasure for ever!

This letter should have been written on Tuesday, June 26, 2012, being that it was Saturday, May 26, 2012 that I met 'R' for the first time.  What with a very hectic week at work and then the sad news on Wednesday, it was never written.  I am writing it now to try and put closure on the situation.

R's present home - a wonderful orphanage

Heart Letter #1

Dear R,

The idea of writing to you each month, at the beginning the letters would be about where I was in the process to bring you home, and then later when you were home they would be a way to record the events and happenings in your life, and special things that were you were doing, was borrowed from a friend I have made online who also has a blog.  Her name is Lisa and if you ever want to read her blog it is called, "Are We There Yet, Len?".  As you have no baby book, or pictures of yourself pre-adoption - other than all the ones I took, these letters would have been one way in which I tried to document your childhood so you had something tangible as you grew up to look back on. This first letter is now more than a few days late!  I started it last weekend on Canada Day but couldn’t finish it.  It is now very late - July 5th!   Let’s just say I am not off to a great start!   I had every intention of writing it last Tuesday, June 26 –  a month to the day from meeting you, but excuses, excuses, excuses!!!!  After a very hectic, crazy busy and stressful last week of school I am finally catching my breath.

My dear R, unfortunately this is to be my first and last letter to you.  On Wednesday, June 27, 2012, I received an email from the director of the agency in Ontario telling me that the family that adopted your younger sister and that lives in the Netherlands is coming back to start the paperwork to adopt you this summer.  Needless to say, one part of me was devastated and I have cried and cried.  You made such an impact on me in the short time we spent together!  I look at all the pictures I have and hope you will continue to let your light shine.  Your “forever family” is very blessed and fortunate to be adopting you.  There is another part of me that is happy for you because you are going to be reunited with your little sister.  I have video footage of you talking about your family and you are obviously still hurting over this loss.  Nobody was able to confirm your older siblings, although S did say something about somebody in town, so I hope one day you can discover what happened to them.   I hope you can accept why it took your new family so long to come back and get you and why they didn't take yow with your sister in the first place.  They must have a very good reason and nobody here in Canada can believe you were allowed to be separated from your sister in the first place!  You are a very brave girl to have gone through this and the strength you have gained from this life experience will make you a stronger and more understanding person in the future.  You have such a wonderful spirit and so much love to give.

I  loved spending time with you and will never forget our little of routine of me going back to the hotel and waving to you and some your friends from the balcony.  It is unbelievable that you were right under my nose all week! 

The hotel from the orphanage front porch with no zoom!

I arrived in town on Sunday and didn’t meet you until Saturday!  You made the first move and then didn’t let go even when there were other distractions around.  From all the things we did together: drawing, reading - you to me and me to you, playing ‘Noughts and Crosses’ or ‘Tic-Tac-Toe”, playing on my i-pod touch, talking on the front porch, writing out math problems for each other - the ones you gave me were really hard, there is one thing that makes me smile. That one is the pictures and videos of you hooked on Angry Birds!  It didn't take you long at all to figure out the game and join the craze!  I guess we might have been able to say, “like mother, like daughter”!  Rest assured dear R, that you playing time once home would have been limited!   I don’t write as well as Lisa, she used to be a high school English teacher, but so want to put something out there for you.  You touched my heart in so many ways and I had started to think about all the things we could do together.  

I don’t know what else to say.  I will never forget you and hope and pray you are happy with your new family.  I did phone and talk to a special lady at your place on Wednesday night.  I don’t want the kind people who look after you to think these changes were due to me!  I wish I could post a picture of you for the world to see but I am not allowed to you as you aren't mine.  If I could, I'd want people to see your beautiful skin and colouring, your silky, curly black hair, your bright eyes, but most of all your amazing, heart-warming smile.  I have three favourite pictures of you.  One that I took from across the dining hall as you surveyed the scene and the chaos of the goody bags being shared.  The second of you and me together on the front porch, and finally the one of you waiting for me inside the gate the night before I left.  You had flowers in a little pop bottle that you must have picked from S’s garden (I hope you didn’t get in trouble for this), your purse and your doll.  I think you’d have come with me right then and there if you’d been allowed.  I so wish I could tell you what is happening to you myself.  I want you to know that it is not any decision I made that has made this not work out.

My dearest R, I just wish I could hold you in my arms and love you, sit you in my lap, snuggle you and read you stories to your heart’s content, and finally comfort you when are upset and hurting.  I would love to send you the pictures I have of us and a special stuffy but don’t want to ruin things for either of us.  I want you to move bravely forward.  I hope you have many happy years with your sister A, and can grow old together.  I am picturing the two of you walking around town with your walkers!!!!!!   I will somehow move on.  At the moment I don’t know how or from where, but I have come this far in my journey to be a mother and need to be able to love-on and cherish somebody!   The children in your country touched my heart in so many ways and some of the pictures show me happier than I have been for a long, long time.

I don't know how much faith I have in the adoption system now and I am not sure I can handle more loss.  I was never told that they were contacting your sister's family and the news of this loss came out of left field.  Had they told me upfront before I left the country that they were calling A's family, I could have braced myself for this news! This is more than you need to know right now my dear girl, so I feel bad writing it down, but one day when you are older you might be able to understand it. 

For now R, know that you touched my heart, are very, very special and have a great ability to make others happy. You will go far in life in whatever way you choose and who knows the world is small and one day our paths may cross again.

The only picture of you and me that I am allowed to post.  I love it.  It is us leaving the orphanage!

Love and hugs to you,

Miss   – as you called me or

Miss Elizabeth – as I tried to get you to call me

Adoption Loss

I have suffered a loss in the adoption process this week.  The wonderful, adorable, loving, gentle 7, soon to be 8 year old girl that I had come home to talk to my social worker about as I needed to change the age of the "child requested" section of my home study, is no longer available.  On June 14, I was told she was cleared for adoption and started to get very excited.  On Wednesday evening, June 27, I opened an email to find out she was no longer available.  The family in Europe that adopted her sibling several years ago are returning this summer to start the paperwork on adopting on her.  Please hop over to my other blog to read the post called "Adoption Loss" if you want more info.  I am happy she is going to be reunited with her sibling, she should NEVER have been seperated from her in the first place, but it is a still loss for me!

Finally some videos!

Thank you for waiting so patiently for these. I  hope you enjoy them and that they give you a little bit of a feel for our trip.

                                       This is the view from the balcony the third floor shared.

The Promenade Gardens



The statue of Gandhi

The rain!

May is the start of their rainy season.  On this morning we had about 15-20 minutes of intense rain.  An hour later it was all dried up, clear blue sky and sunshine.  Oh, if only it worked that way in Vancouver.  In the last 90 days we have had rain for 45 of them.  The joke is that it is "June-ary"!

Give me this short intense rain over "June-ary"

Here is the video I promised.  I hope it works.  The rain there beats the grey, dismissal, dreary June skies of Vancouver in June-ary!

The video will come.  I have tried but I can't upload directly from my computer and have to try to get it on You-Tube first.  The rain is spectacular and loud.

Temporarily Suspended - will be back to my other blog

Unfortunately my journey to my country was not quite as I'd had hoped and wished for.  There were no young, single children available, a few sibling groups with 4/5 year olds, and then only a few older children.  I knew going down there were no children under three but had opened my heart to a 4 or 5 year old.  I did meet an absolutely delightful and very sweet older girl who I am trying to get more information on.  I spent quite a bit of time with her over my last days there and there is a real connection.  Any information from the country is very slow to come given the experiences of other families who have been waiting for five months for rather simple documents!   Thus there are a number of "p" words that continue to be required or followed or held on to.  Patience, perseverance, persisitance, perspective, passion, process (belief in it) and progress (I'd hoped to make some).  One thing abunduntly clear to me and I think many others in the process of international adoption is the lack of "P"redicatability and the need for the process not to "P"reoccupy one and one's life. 

From my experience, it seems many children are temporarily and voluntarily put into care by their families and thus obviously not available for adoption.  The system is wonderful for families in the country as there doesn't seem to be any negative views around this but makes it very difficult for those of us trying to adopt.  Imagine somebody in the developed, western world walking into an office and saying,  "I'm out of work, I don't have a place to live, I want to find a job and get back on my feet. Please can you look after my kids for a while?" 

I have a few videos of some spectacular rainstorms and will try to post these soon when I have time to figure it out.

What to do now?

I have been home a week and can't stop thinking about the child I met.  She is older than I have been approved for in my homestudy but a real sweetheart.  I talked to the director of the agency in Ontario today and am waiting for the agent in my country to try and find out more information about this very special little girl.  I found the quote below on another blogger's blog today.  She found it on Pinterest.  It kind of speaks to where I am at at the moment.

Source: Pinterest

Goodbye, we are homeward bound tomorrow!

Hi Everybody,
There have been no pictures from the last two days so I am attaching a few from our walk this morning.  I am so glad L is here because I certainly wouldn't be out walking around on my own!

St. George's Anglican Cathedral

These windows allow for a nice breeze to flow through the cathedral.

These two stained glass windows were side by side.  Note the words, faith and hope!





I don't think kids back home would know what this is!  The library here had two of them!

The city's only escalator according to the tour book!

I feel like I have seen some parts of my future child's city and am glad we got to have the time to do this.  I am not sure I will be doing some of this when I have my child in tow.  Although the manatees, zoo despite it's state, and the museum will be musts.  I hope you have enjoyed the pictures over the last 10 days.  We are having torrential  rain tonight and I think we could safely say rainy season has arrived.



The Last Two Days

Sunday was a very quiet day.  I spent a lot of it at the orphanage visiting with the 7 3/4 year old that I am being drawn to.  I didn't sleep on Saturday as I thought about my decision.  I realized that because I had extended my age to 5 for the trip but not officially, I am going to have to increase it further.  It has been a very long and emotional trip and I think I need to go home and make a decision.  I may regret not making it here as soon as I get on the airplane but I want to make sure I am making the right decision.  I had hoped for more years with a younger child but as a friend pointed at the age of 8, coming from an orphanage there will still be many firsts.

This morning, Monday, L and I went to the ministry and met with a secretary.  We then tried to visit the lawyer but he wasn't available.  L holed up in the hotel room all day while I went to visit two other girls available, they go half-day and I wanted to see them without the little girl I seem to have bonded with around.  Of the three girls, I definitely have a connection with the 7 3/4 year old.  I came back to the hotel and then went back over to see the little girl I am considering when she got home from school.  The visit went well and she read to me and talked to me even though the other girls were interacting with some US college students.  I sat with her while she ate dinner and then came back to the hotel. 

Unfortunately I have no pictures from Sunday or Monday that I can post.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Here are some pictures from our excursion with our new friends this afternoon.  Thank you N and T for being wonderful hosts. 

The old cricket grounds where we enjoyed a champagne flavoured shandy.  Love the British influence but not sure of the champagne taste!   Dad makes really good ones!

It was very humid today and I couldn't determine if these boys were in their underwear or not!

The Botanical Gardens

The manatees in the garden pond

A parrot in the zoo

A bit too close for comfort especially when this teenager started throwing things at it!

The monkey people were shaking hands with! 

This looked like a cub at the zoo, although bigger in the photo!

He or she liked me talking to him.

The Kissing Bridge, a photo spot for weddings.  We didn't walk over to it as it was dusk.

For the record I think I took 191 photos today!  What did we do before digital cameras?
Goodnight from G,G